Ten Heart-Shaking Insights From James Dobson's "bringing up BOYS"

The book "bringing up BOYS" pulled me like a powerful magnet one day in a bookstore in Greenbelt, Makati. It was written by James Dobson, an unfamiliar name. The cover design wasn't attractive to me either. So I was sure it was the title that mercilessly tugged me that day.

After hovering around the shelf for 30 minutes and inspecting the book three times, I decided to buy it. After all, I had a 3-year old boy that time (now the boy's five years and nine months old). This boy was (and is) very much like me...and deep inside I was desperate about how my wife and I should raise him up into the kind of person we wanted him to be.

Maybe a little education would help, I thought. Forget about being stingy for the time being.

Was this feeling of being at a loss about sons a normal feeling among fathers? or was it just me?

The book has turned out to contain much more information and inspiration than I thought. In fact, I can''t imagine how my life today as a father would look like without that book.

I recommend that book very highly.

In the meantime, allow me to share ten practical insights I learned from that book. I pray that other parents, especially fathers, would find these insights useful:

Insight #1 - Boys are physically different from girls in more ways than most of us may think

Most of us know about testosterone and estrogen, right? There is one other hormone that spells the difference: serotonin aka "neurotransmitter." It's higher among women. Furthermore, the corpus callosum that connects the two sides of our brain is more active among females. Lastly, the amygdala or the "emotional computer" is bigger in males.

All these differences have huge implications in a male's behavior from childhood to adulthood. It explains a lot of male behavior we see in boys, in other men, and ourselves, as we shall see later.

Insight #2 - Boys are "wild" because they are designed by God--through nature--that way

Testosterone among males is the "facilitator of risk--physical, criminal or personal." It's the hormone responsible for minimizing caution in man's brain. It drives the "masculine interest in car racing, professional football...karate, etc." Add to this "wildness" the lower amount of serotonin in boys.

If testosterone is the gasoline that powers the brain, serotonin slows the speed and helps one steer. And ... you guessed it. Females typically have more of it than males. (p38)

When a boy acts wildly therefore, it's normal male behavior that should not be suppressed. Rather, it should be encouraged and redirected towards more wholesome activities. This is so that, first, the boy will not hurt himself or others, and, second, the boy will realize his potential.

Physical activities for boys are not only desirable, they are essential to a boy's wholesome growth!

Insight #3 - Boys are more emotionally vulnerable than most parents may think

We say, "boys don't cry." Does this mean boys have no feelings? that they don't feel pain or anguish? Fact is, boys harbor more emotions than girls, thanks to the larger amygdala. Furthermore, the emotions stored in the amygdala tend to stick longer.

We wonder how a nice little boy all of a sudden misbehaves at an older age? Then we wonder where all those intense pent-up emotions come from? On the other hand, stored emotions are often what gives a man his "second wind" in life. It's how boys--and men--use it that matters.

Insight #4 - Boys are slower in discerning and expressing how they feel

Yes, boys store a lot of emotions. Yet boys are unable to process them as efficiently as girls do,  thanks to a less active corpus callosum in boys.

Is this bad for boys and men? It's the less active corpus callosum in boys that allows them to think independently of emotions. On the other hand, combine many stored emotions and the inability to express these emotions, and what you get are a lot of bottled up emotions. Add testosterone into the picture and you get a moving dynamite.

There's a minimum level of expressing emotions that each boy needs to learn, and there's no place like a loving relationship within the family that starts a boy up emotionally. This is why Dobson claims that conflict and separation between parents do more and longer lasting damage to boys than to girls

Insight #5 - Boys go through an extra step in identifying themselves as males...or otherwise

We are familiar with puberty, right? Well, that's common for boys and girls, though the hormones involved are different. Dr. James Dobson says there's another stage that happen only to boys at age 18 to 36 months.  This is when a boy, first, dissociates himself from his mother AND, second, associates himself with his father.

What happens to the second step when the father is not around or is someone the child perceives to be someone he does not want to be? Dobson seems to be saying that this is when homosexuality among boys start to happen. At this stage the boy decides that he does not want to be a man. One of Dobson's sources in the book says that he still has to meet a homosexual client who adores his father.

Insight #6. Boys need their fathers more than most parents admit

What's the first word that a baby says? Is it the word he uses to call his mother? or his father? Dr. James Dobson says that in most cases, the baby--whether boy or girl--calls his father first. Dobson says there's no explanation for this yet.

Let me quote Dobson in full here (emphases mine):

While children of all ages--both male and female--have an innate need for contact with their fathers, let me emphasize again that boys suffer most from the absence or non-involvement of fathers. According to the National Center for Children in Poverty, boys without fathers are twice as likely to go to jail, and nearly four times as likely to need treatment for emotional and behavioral problems as boys with fathers (p71).

Believe it or not, according to my wife, both my kids learned to say "Dada" first, then "Meee" later. What's your experience?

Alarming, isn't it?

In the words of Dr. Nicolosi, which Dobson cited lengthily...

If [a father] wants his son to grow up straight, he has to break the mother-son connection that is proper to infancy but not in the boy's interest after the age of three. In this way, the father has to be a model, demonstrating that it is possible for his son to maintain a loving relationship with this woman, his mom, while maintaining his own independence. In this way, the father is a healthy buffer between mother and son. (pp147-148)

The father's presence is not enough. It has to be a functional presence in the relationship between mother and son.

Insight #7 - Boys have greater difficulty fitting into the school system than educators admit

I recall at least three reasons why Dobson claims this. First, the school seeks uniformity and conformity. This is bad for boys with all the testosterone inside them. Second, bullying in school by boys with more testosterone emotionally damage "weaker" boys. With their larger amygdala and inability to express emotions, this can turn "meek" boys into walking dynamites.

Dobson cited many cases of shooting in schools by boys who don't have a good grip over their bottled-up emotions. He also said that these perpetrators are most often victims of bullying. News of these shootings have reached the Philippines. Do we have these shootings here yet? Hope not. Hope never.

Third, schools are implementors of state policy that get influenced by loud anti-male lobbyists: the women's liberation movement in the 90s and the gay activists. I don't personally feel the force of these lobbyists in the Philippines, do you? We can be thankful for this while remaining alert.

Insight #8 - Boys are under heavier attack by society than most citizens admit

Dr. Dobson states at least four sources of pressure that make our boys their fair game. I already mentioned the women's liberation movement and gay activists in the previous insight. Those constitute two sources; the other two being the mass media and the internet.

Mass media deliver "garbage" right into our own homes in the form of both subliminal and direct messages. Though Dobson cited examples from the US, examples in the Philippines abound. The whole point of Dobson's complaint is that the mass media no longer portrays men, especially fathers, as capable of making good and logical decisions, and remain loyal and steadfast husbands and fathers. Not only is this unfair, this is also very bad for very impressionable boys.

The internet is another matter. It is a venue nowadays for accessing readily available pornographic materials and addictive online games. It is also a venue for social networking, which require caution and guidance on the part of our boys.

This is why the choice of TV channels and URLs must be a family decision and regulated by parents. Yet, Dobson says it's not enough to regulate our kids' access to TV, radio and the internet. Boys, most especially, are driven by excitement. But they also need structure and supervision. That excitement and structure can be created at home by loving relationships and fun things to do as a family. This is highly doable and is a whole topic by itself.

Insight #9 - Boys--and girls--have an alternative system for education: homeschooling

Dobson fully recommends homeschooling for kids. But homeschooling requires at least one parent to be full time at home. If this is not possible, Dobson recommends Christian schools. If still this is not possible, then any school will be fine for as long as the parent is involved in the child's education. This can be really tough for working parents, which brings me to the 10th insight.

Insight #10 - Boys deserve priority much more than we care to admit

Boys are "men-in-training." It is difficult to see future leaders of families, communities and even the country from young and restless boys running to and fro and damaging things. But I say it is even more difficult to see our existing leaders as young and restless boys (and girls) once upon a time. There's just too much at stake at how we raise them from age zero to at least age 12.

This is why Dobson emphasizes that ...

Our objective as moms and dads is to transform our sons from immature and flighty youngsters into honest, caring men who will be respectful of women, loyal and faithful in marriage, keepers of commitments, strong and decisive leaders, good workers, and men who are secure in their masculinity.

Furthermore, Dobson states with conviction that ...

... many of the difficulties that confront our kids come down to that single characteristic of today's families: There is nobody home.

... it is boys who typically suffer most from the absence of parental care. It is my conviction that those who choose to bring a child into the world must give that boy or girl highest priority for a period of time. In a very short time, they will be grown up and on their own.

At the risk of being too lengthy, let me quote Dobson one last time...

I believe the two-career family during the child-rearing years creates a level of stress that is tearing people apart. And it often deprives children of something that they will search for for the rest of their lives.

We often define career in terms of money and status, and less about what our kids really need. I'd say it takes a real man to confront these issues with honesty and courage.


Marvin