Do You Make This Mistake in Parenting?

Help for parents may be needed in some areas of parenting, especially on expectations from kids. Being happy with our kids and expecting our kids to make us happy are two very different things!

If you expect children to make you happy, you will be disappointed.
Too many parents link their well-being to the mood of their offspring and end up miserable and guilt-ridden
'I have never been so happy as when my first child was born – and this was partly because my life was no longer about me." This is how one of my friends explains her euphoria at the birth of her daughter xxx But do children, once the initial thrill is past, make parents happier? A brilliantly argued article, in New York magazine, maintains that having children does not make us happier at all.
Source: Kate Kellaway, The Observer, 11-July 2010

Intrigued, I read the article about parenting referred to by Kate and was at first shocked by the seemingly convincing scientific argument, until I got to the end, where it says:

Technically, if parenting makes you unhappy, you should feel better if you’re spared the task of doing it. But if happiness is measured by our own sense of agency and meaning, then noncustodial parents lose. They’re robbed of something that gives purpose and reward.
Source: All Joy and No Fun, New York News and Features

Can other people --- your children included --- make you happy or unhappy? I think that happens only when you choose to, whether consciously or subconsciously. I am inclined to believe that happiness comes from within, from a sense of purpose. 

There are parents who marry (in love, of course) with the deliberate purpose of parenting kids and with full knowledge of the sacrifices that entails. The joy comes not from the children per se but from the fulfillment of that sense of purpose, which manifest later in life from the words of love and gratitude from the children.

To expect other people --- your children included --- to make you happy heaps on them an unrealistic expectation that may harm them in the long run. My wife and I attended a Human Encounters Workshop in Metro Manila where we asked permission to take home a poster that said, "One Half Plus One Half Is NOT EQUAL to One. They're simply equal to two halves." There was another poster in that Workshop, which said, "One can't be fully happy being married when one isn't happy being single." Someone else---a single person---took that poster. 

The message was simple: you cannot give what you do not have and it is dangerous to expect the other person to fill up your void. Loving others, including your children, comes from an unwritten assumption that there is love within you.

Having children is not a joy ride. If you think parenting is a joy ride, be forewarned: don't have children! Having children is a commitment, a pact, a word from one person to the other saying, "I'm with you, for richer or for poorer." There will be bumpy rides and smooth rides in parenting, but definitely no joy ride. If you have a kid and realize the truth only now, deal with it, grow up and take responsibility.

Children are who you think they are. I learned in a seminar that 50% of the mental programs of an average person were formed in the first four years of his/her life. Another 30% got formed in the next four years of one's life. That was 80% in the first eight years alone! Its impact on parenting hit me like thunderbolt.

During these tender years, children believe us on what we say they are! Isn't it therefore not surprising that many of our fears can be traced back to our childhood days? The reverse is also true. Many of our competencies can be traced back to the time when someone says we're good, and we believed it. A lot of that happen in childhood days.

I have constantly visualized my son as a brave yet loving person. I keep on affirming that to my son. He's seven years old now. Look at what he joyfully showed me on the ground one recent morning before I left home for work:

What's that picture worth to a parent?

So, does parenting give you joy? In my experience, absolutely yes!