So, You Want to Get Married and Have Kids? (Part I of 3)

A lot of single men want to get married, have kids, build a family and live happily ever after. In this post, I'd like to show you how "happily ever after" may look like.

It takes the guts of a real man to read on. Are you man enough? Then read on ...

After all the celebrations of wedding, honey moon and settling down, you will realize (I pray you actually do) that you are no longer just yourself! You are someone else's husband!

You now go around saying, Hello, I am Mr Tarzan and this is my wife Jane. Multiply that a thousand times and people around you will start saying, Ah, that's Mr. Tarzan! Yeah he's married. His wife is Jane. They met in Africa.

I married at the age of 32. I really felt the change down deep into my bones. All of a sudden, I wasn't just Marvin, but I was also someone else's husband! The expectations of being more mature, more responsible, and many other things were there.

The way people look at you, however, matters less compared to how your ex-girlfried, who's now your wife, heaps expectations on you. Most of them are unwritten and unexpressed, depending on how your wife has been programmed by her past to look at men and husbands.

Being on the same page is VERY important. Providing an atmosphere conducive to that therefore is VERY important as well.

One dumb luck that I have in life is finding a wife who believes with me in this: 

You will be the same in 5 years as you are today, except for two things: the people you meet and the items you read. John Lee

When we were both doing network marketing, we heard that and it stuck. It was therefore a common act of WILL that we read the same books and interacted with common sets of friends in our marriage. That was the atmosphere we needed to be on the same page.

ITEMS YOU READ

Reading alone can be a tough act already. But how can we do away with reading in the Information Age? We haven't learned everything yet, haven't we? have you? That's true most of all about relationships, marriage, family and kids.

There are three books that I absolutely recommend to all young couples, and I mean to both husband and wife, no exception:


Recommended Book #1 - FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES, by Gary Chapman 

This book talks about how to communicate love to your partner in a way that he/she will understand and feel. Conversely, it also teaches you how to tell your partner to express love to you in a way that you appreciate the most! The book says there are five love languages, and most couples don't speak the same language.

For example, you may be showering your partner with gifts, buy groceries for her, spend time with her and even massage her. Yet still, she doesn't get it. You find out later when she's gone that all she really wanted from you was to repeatedly hear the words, "I LOVE YOU" straight from your own mouth. Then you recall that you said those words only once in your entire time together!

The recent editions come with a quiz that allows you to determine your own love language.

Recommended Book #2 - PERSONALITY PLUS, by Florence Littauer

This book is about personalities. It basically says that there are control freaks (the cholerics), the fun lovers (the sanguine), the analysts (the melancholies) and the silent supporters (the phlegmatics). Each person is gifted with a personality, which may vary from person to person, even within families.

For example, you may have a partner who loves to keep everything in order all the time (the melancholies). But you happen to be a very fun loving person who tends to mess things around, like taking a look a the pictures in the magazines and not returning them to the center table properly (sanguine behavior).

The book goes beyond discussing the personalities. It also discusses how the different personalities interact. You may actually see your self and your partner in several of the examples given.

The book comes with a quiz that allows you to identify your personality.


Recommended Book #3 - RICH DAD POOR DAD by Robert Kiyosaki

Money is an everyday topic in marriage and family. Rich Dad Poor Dad discusses money in very down to earth language, I just found myself glued to it one day.

Anyhow, the "boring" subjects about economics and finance become interesting living things in this book. It describes money as something within our grasp, and as something that we can exert mastery on; and then use it as a vehicle to carry us to our dreams. You end up feeling greatly informed and empowered.

Many of the quarrels in marriage come from discussion about money. If you and your partner are in the same page, the quality of the quarrels become better. I'm not saying the quarrels will disappear. But you would have a lot of common ground on money issues that these quarrels become petty.

In my marriage, my wife and I read all three books together. We owe a lot to these three books in equipping us to deal with marriage and family issues. The books also led us to other books and to seminars about the same topics, which led us to the company of like-minded people who grace our lives today.

PEOPLE YOU MEET

It is important that husband and wife choose friends together. Yes, the husband can maintain his own set of friends. Same with the wife. But what I mean here is have common sets of friends as well, and spend time with them. The advantages, based on experience, are the following:

1. Common friends reinforce your values ... this to me is the most important
2. Common friends help you filter knowledge ... friends validate information all the time
3. Common friends give you a sounding board
4. Common friends provide pressure for couples to resolve whatever differences there may be
5. Common friends check you out so you won't mess around

As to circles, my wife and I joined the same groups as much as we can. We are both members of the following:

1. Amway network, where we met
2. Singles for Christ, before we got married
3. Couples for Christ, right after we got married
4. Classes in Purposeful Stewardship Institute (PSI Basic Leadership Success Seminar, Starshooters and Heroic)
5. Think Rich Pinoy class
6. Rotary Club (she's an active "Ann")
7. Kerygma caring groups

In each of these communities, classes or clubs, we have common sets of friends who share with us common values and goals. 

RELATED ARTICLE:

• So, You Want to Get Married and Have Kids? (Part 2 of 3)
• So, You Want to Get Married and Have Kids? (Part 3 of 3)